For a variety of reasons (see our blog on Retreat), encouraging greater engagement and building connection among residents in their community requires patience. It often requires a gradual process of trust-building and relationship-building activities on the part of staff. Recognizing the many barriers that reluctant and avoidant residents may face, efforts to build the trust and strengthen the relationships takes time. Openness, honesty, and being authentic in communications are key ingredients. As mentioned, validating the reluctant resident’s resistance is also necessary. Ideally, this validation is without a judgmental attitude and without glossing over their thoughts and feelings. At the same time, efforts to balance the perceived downsides to involvement or excuses with the potential upsides will be fruitful.
One helpful approach is to set small, agreed-upon goals that move the person toward greater connection. What can he or she do tomorrow that is more than is being done today? What single, turtle step can be planned that shows some measure of progress toward a goal of greater engagement. “Are you willing to come to our activity tomorrow, and sit in the back of the room?” “We might ask if he or she is willing to attend the music group for 15 minutes, and then excuse yourself to leave?” “Are you willing to meet with (name of another resident) and join her for coffee or a small snack? Maybe tomorrow the morning?” We don’t want to look at big, six-month goals. Tiny objectives are preferable and tend to be more successful. We don’t want to expect major changes in the person’s behavior.
Building on Success
Once this small, turtle step is taken, ask for any feelings of reward or accomplishment. Hopefully, the reluctant individual experiences some measure of success. Without pushing or rushing, look for another small goal in the next week. Behavior change is a slow process, and building connection through trust and openness takes time. With each small step, feelings of confidence can be expected, which in turn, builds momentum. It may be weeks or months before noticeable change occurs, but importantly this change in internally directed. In other words, it is likely to be more permanent and long lasting. This is in contrast to those changes that are externally directed by staff members or fixed schedules.
This article is referenced in the Living to 100 Club’s new publication, Better, Longer & Happier: A Guide to Aging with Purpose and Positivity.